56. Location, Location, Location

I’ve loaded an app that allows me to see not only how many hits the site has but where in the world they are coming from.  Some locations, particularly London, have provided many hits.  67% of all visits have been from the UK and 64% of those have been from London.

You may be interested to know that I am becoming big in Wisconsin and in Moscow and that’s surprising as I have never been to either place nor ever known anyone who lived there or has even visited them.

The only facts that I know about Wisconsin are that during the last Ice Age most of it was ice-free and that Barefoot Man, a very popular Caymanian singer/songwriter and Cayman’s second biggest export after Rum Cakes mentions it in a catchy song he wrote called, “Three Widows from Wisconsin”.  He mentions the city of Appleton and, that place, with Milwaukee, are the only cities that I knew of in the state until now. 

In Britain, a city may be defined as a settlement that has a cathedral.  St Davids (no apostrophe and my computer spellchecker hates that) in Pembrokeshire, Wales, is Britain’s smallest city with a population of fewer than 2000 people.  The City of London (The Square Mile) only has a population of around 8000.

St Davids is the location of the only act of wilful desecration I have ever witnessed.  On a geography field trip, q.v. Life’s Ironies in January, we were taken to visit St Davids cathedral.  While wandering around and fairly bored, I heard the unmistakable sound of a geological hammer hitting rock.  I investigated and found that it was Kenny Gardner, the geology teacher, hammering away a gravestone.  He picked up the chip of rock he had dislodged, studied it and turned to me with a look of deep contentment and satisfaction and said,

“Yes.  Thought so.  Sussex marble.”

A town in the UK is granted city status by the monarch on advice given by the part of the British government known as the Department for Constitutional Affairs.  City status is granted by the sovereign and conferred by Letters Patent.  It is granted by personal command of the monarch, on the advice her Ministers.  There is sometimes a discrepancy between the common meaning of the word “city” and the 'official' meaning.

In 1969 Swansea was designated a city and the name of the football team changed from Swansea Town to Swansea City. 

In the USA, the definition of a city varies from state to state.  Usually any settlement with more than about 10 000 inhabitants is called a city. This is not a hard and fast rule but it is rampant titular and classification inflation. There are some very small settlements in the US that are called cities such as Woodland Mills in Tennessee with a population of only 296.  Before it was dissolved in 2002, Maza, North Dakota with only 5 inhabitants was a city.  In California, the terms "town" and "city" are virtually synonymous.

A large number of those visitors listed above only came once.  There were a lot of first time visits a couple of weeks ago to read, “Name Dropping.”  I listed a long string of famous names in the labels section and so anyone subsequently putting one of those names into Google was directed to my blog.

One referral was interesting and quite touching in a way.  The visitor was from Dubai and he had entered, “KISSING” into Google.  Much to his great disappointment I imagine, he had found his way to my posting entitled “Hugging and Kissing”.  I suppose that if you’re searching for porn in Dubai, then “KISSING” is about as far as you dare go.

I get more visits from Wisconsin than I do from York in the UK, which may not surprise you, but it irritates me because my two daughters live close to York and so I know that they never read these essays and this is a shame because it was with them in mind that I started posting my memories and thoughts back in January.  They were really offended and upset to read something that I posted in January when I alluded to the fact that I have feelings and even (whisper it very quietly), urges.

“I don’t want to read about that sort of thing from my Dad!” protested one of them, while the other just refuses to talk to me about it.  They are both in their thirties and should know better!

I wonder if DH Lawrence’s biographers ever paused to consider that it was because of the possible reaction of his children, that he never had any of his own?  Frieda, his wife, had three from a previous marriage but he wouldn’t have cared so much about their sensitivities.  If I ever write anything remotely similar to the themes in Lady Chatterley’s Lover (and believe me I’m tempted) and my daughters are on the jury at the subsequent obscenity trial, I shall plead guilty immediately and burn every copy I can find.

A few months ago, I had a visitor from Carmel, California and we all know who lives there, don’t we?   Clint Eastwood!   He was Carmel’s mayor a few years ago.  It’s obvious to me what’s going on: 

I have had several hits from other places in California and one of those must have been Steven Spielberg.  He will have read the post featuring Sir Alan and Huck (Knight and Day at Prospect Reef) and wants to make that episode the basis of a huge multi million-dollar movie and he’s already thinking ahead and casting Clint as Sir Alan.   At 80, Clint Eastwood is a bit too old and I worry that he might not find the English accent too easy but he’ll certainly look the part.

Don’t write all that off as impossible and a ridiculous fantasy because that’s the kind of thinking that makes Steven Spielberg the success that he is.   He sees things that people like you and I don’t.   Obviously, Clint has checked it out to see why Spielberg is so excited.

OK, he’ll cast Clint as Sir Alan, that little white kid from “The Blind Side” as Huck, probably Brad Pitt as me and Angelina Jolie as Caroline.  You’d go and see it, wouldn’t you?

In that supportive way that she has, Caroline has just picked herself up from the floor where she collapsed in fits of rather unkind, uncontrollable and I’m sorry to say, unpleasant laughter, and has managed to suggest that Mickey Rooney would be more convincing playing me and if he’s not available, then Bob Hoskins but he’d have to put on about fifty pounds first.

It’s a pity Hattie Jaques isn’t around any more.  She’d be perfect as Caroline.

Clint, Steven and those of you in Wisconsin and Moscow, look her up in Google!