53. What rhymes with "Empty"?

A few weeks ago I wrote about the Sunday before Christmas when my grandchildren came for lunch ('THE KING' and Cricket).  I don’t see them very often as they live more than 200 miles away in Yorkshire and I was so captivated and enchanted by the experience that afternoon, that after they had left to drive home, I was inspired to write.  A few hours later I had written, among other things, the poems or more accurately I suppose, the ‘nonsense rhymes’ that you will find below.

Twice in my life I have been horribly embarrassed listening to someone recite a poem that they had written.  The first time was when I was at a staff get-together at the first school at which I first taught.  We were there to say farewell to a colleague who was leaving.  He gave his farewell speech entirely in verse.  What made it worse than it would otherwise have been was that, as I suppose that he didn’t trust himself to deliver it fluently, he had recorded it on to tape, edited it (badly) and then played us the recording.  The sound quality was terrible but the poem was worse.

The other time was at the funeral of the President of my rugby club. He had been a player in his younger days and at the service the wife of one of the committee members said a few words.

She had written a poem.  I can’t remember any of it now except for the first two lines of the first verse which was,

He’s playing with the angels now

On a far off sunny field.

Dah dah dah dah-dah dee dah

Dah dah dah dah dah.

I was squirming with embarrassment at the end of the first line as this was a determinedly, aggressive and strident humanist funeral.  The deceased was a vociferous atheist and there were no trappings of religion anywhere in the crematorium.  No clergy, no hymns and certainly no prayers and yet here was this stupid woman talking about him playing rugby with the angels.

Perhaps we could have a competition finishing that verse rather like the writers who finish “The Mystery of Edwin Drood” or those musicologists who finish Schubert’s symphony.  I think that while I’m about it I may set myself the task of finishing Eddie Izzard’s jokes, as he never does.

Here’s my entry:

He’s playing with the angels now

On a far off sunny field.

They’ve got him playing full back

So he’s keeping his eyes peeled.

So – it is with some trepidation that I present some of my efforts from that afternoon.  I’d better explain before you read them that William is 2 years 9 months old and Annie is 9 months.  They have never yet had a conversation with each other and it is only on the three occasions since July that I have met him, that William has spoken to me.

I rang up Lucy as they were going up the A1 and asked her what William would like a poem about. “Pooh,” she said.  William has a teddy bear who is called (rather unimaginatively I think) Pooh.  Pooh is always there.  He accompanies William wherever he goes including to the bath and to the potty.  Rocky is a black Labrador.  He has a dual role – that of household pet and au pair.

If you are squirming after reading the first line (as you possibly will be), I invite you to just, “Click Off!”  You don’t have to read them and I’ll never know if you don’t.  Please don’t plough on to the bitter end.

Bear in mind that I wrote these poems, imagining that either William or Annie was sitting on my knee in a year or two.  I was trying to entertain them and not adults.

My script editor has cast her practised eye over them.  “One of them doesn’t scan and one of the others is total crap,” was her expert opinion.

Annie doesn’t feature very much in them and I suppose that’s because I don’t know her very well yet.  I’ll have to make it up to her when I know her better.

The last one is adapted from the only poem I had ever written previously, posted in Hesperody in May.

1 The Gibblegobbler

William was a Gibblegobbler. Annie was a Quap.

When William shouted, “Gibblegobble,” Annie shouted, “Snap!”

William hid all his toys underneath the stairs

And Annie said to William, “No one really cares.”

William once said, “Gibblegobble!” on a rainy day

And Annie tried then really tried to make clouds go away.

“Expeedoushamarian,” said William, getting cross.

But Annie smiled as if to show the clouds who was the boss.

William went to China one Sunday after tea.

Annie called out, ”William!  Don’t go there without me.”

William had to stop the boat and see no one was hurt

But Annie couldn’t come as she’d got custard on her skirt.

“Expeedoushamarian,” said William in dismay,

“Custard stains and blocked up drains will not get in my way.

Gibblegobble, little girl, just see what you have done.

You’ve made the clocks run backwards and I fell down on my bum.”

“I’m very sorry William,” said Annie with a laugh.

“I heard you yell and then you fell from that small blue giraffe.”

“Expeedoushamarian,” said Will and shook his head.

“It’s much too far to China so - I think I’ll go to bed.”

And that’s what he did.

2 Night night William

Higgledy-piggledy Taggity Tay

What did William do today?

Go to the nursery or go to the park?

And what did William do when it got dark?

Higgledy-piggledy Taggity Tog

Did William play with Rocky the dog?

Did he share nicely with all of his friends?

And learn to count quickly in sevens or tens?

Higgledy-piggledy Taggity Top

Did William go out with Mummy to shop?

Did they buy sausages, bacon and bread?

And did they buy honey or chocolate spread?

Higgledy-piggledy Taggity Tad

Did William play football outside with his Dad?

After all that excitement William said,

“I’m getting so tired now - I’ll go UP TO BED!”

Night night William.

3 Introducing Pooh

Mummy was washing up plates in the sink.

William was eating but he started to think.

“It’s funny,” said William, “that my friend Pooh

Has got the same name as something you do.”

“A name’s just a sound,” said Mummy to Will,

“Now eat up your cabbage.  I don’t want you ill.”

William said that, “Pooh only eats honey.

He never gets ill and he’s got a big tummy.”

“Well that’s all as maybe and I don’t really care.

You eat all that cabbage; you’re a boy not a bear.”

William ate and he thought, then he had an idea.

So he looked up at Mummy and said loud and clear,

 “My name should be Pooh and if you agree,

That’s what, from now on, it’s going to be.”

“OK,” said Mummy, “Whatever you want

And Charlie’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt.”

“You’re just being silly,” said Will with a frown.

“I really do mean it.  May I get down?”

“Eat all your cabbage.  I want that food gone

And you’ll get it all finished or sit there ’til dawn.”

“Eat all your cabbage!  I won’t tell you again.

I want that plate cleared and please don’t complain.”

William sighed and he tutted but picked up his fork

With his mouth full of cabbage, he couldn’t talk.

So that’s the end of this poem!

4 Hurry up

“Hurry up William, we’re off to the shops

We’re late, so please get a move on.

Leave all your toys just where they are

And then put your shoes and your coat on.”

“Hurry up William!  We’ve got to go now.

Stop playing around.  I’m not joking

Look at those clouds. It’s gloomy and grey

And the last thing I want is a soaking.”

“Hurry up William!  The shops will be packed

With long, twisting queues at each till.

Oh come here and let me do up your coat

And for goodness sake, try and stand still.”

“Hurry up William.  Yes Pooh can come too

But make sure that he doesn’t stray.

Remember last week, he went off on his own

And was found in the fresh fruit display?”

“Hurry up William! What’s going on?

Why have you got just one shoe?

They were both there just now when I looked.

Where is it?  And no!  Don’t ask Pooh.”

“Hurry up William!  Just look at your hands!

They’re filthy and covered in grime.

You haven’t been out, so how can it be

That you’re dirty, all of the time?

“Hurry up William!  Oh no!  Look at that.

It’s pouring.  There’s sleet and there’s hail.

Hear that?  That’s thunder. Whatever next?

And listen, it’s blowing a gale.”

’Ready at last.’  Is that what you said?

No you’re not and where is your hat?

But it’s raining too hard, so we’ll stay at home

‘Cos I’m not going out in all that!

We’ll go tomorrow.

5 The Park

Rocky and Pooh, Annie and Will,

Went to the park with their Mum.

“I don’t know,” said Mummy to Pooh,

“Why William keeps sucking his thumb.”

“It don’t really matter,” Pooh said with a smile,

As he splashed in a puddle of mud,

“All it means is his thumb’s really clean.”

Then Pooh fell in the mud with a thud.

Rocky came over and William came too

And they looked down at Pooh where he sat.

“You’re all wet and muddy,” said William to Pooh,

“Bath time. Do you fancy that?”

“You can share one with me, straight after tea,

“You’ll get fresh and will be really clean.”

“Not on your Nelly,” said Mummy to William,

“He’ll go in the washing machine!”

And that’s what happened.

6 I like milk

“I like milk,” said William,

As he sat on the floor by the fridge.

“So much so that even though

It’s raining 

You won’t hear me complaining

Should it pour and pour as I go for more

All the way to Selby Bridge.”

Because that’s where the dairy cows live!

7 The Maybe Race

“It’s raining and it’s just not fair,”                                    

Said William to Pooh the bear,                                    

As they sat there, and watched the rain come down.        

“Cheer up now,” said Pooh to Will,                           

“Watch it splash on the window sill                           

And I like rain.  It makes my fur look brown.”                 

“Not today.  It’s Saturday,                                            

And I want to go out and play,”                                    

Moaned William, with a grumpy face.                 

“I want to run - and climb up trees                                   

And crawl round on my hands and knees                  

And then I’ll beat you in a skipping race.”                 

“Huh!” said Pooh, “What? You beat me!                             

That’s something that I’d so like to see.        

I’m quicker and more fasterer than you.        

Small boy, I’m a big strong bear                                   

And you may say that you don’t care                          

But deep inside I know you really do.”                          

“What!” said William, “You think that?                           

You’re joking and you’re much too fat,                           

To ever win in a race with me.                          

You’re too slow and I’ve a hunch                                   

When it stops raining, you’ll want lunch                          

And anyway, I think I’ve hurt my knee.”                          

“One day when it’s warm and dry,”                                   

Said Will, “We’ll race and I’ll fly by.                                   

I’ll beat you at least ten times in a row.”                          

“No you won’t,” said Pooh and smiled                          

“You’re fairly rapid for a child,                          

But compared with me, you’re really very slow.”                 

8 ALIENS

William and Annie were out in the garden.

Annie was skipping, Will played in the sand.

Annie looked up and she said, “Ooh, look William

There’s a spaceship up there and it’s going to land.”

William said nothing but carried on playing.

Annie stood staring, her rope in her hand.

“Look up please William.  Where did it come from?

There’s a spaceship up there and it’s going to land.”

William just picked up a bucket of water

He didn’t look up. He ignored her command.

“I’m much too busy and you’re being silly

As if there’s a spaceship that’s going to land.”

“All right,” said Annie, “If that’s how you want it.

I just thought I’d tell you so you’d understand

That the noise you can hear getting louder and louder

Is a spaceship up there and it’s going to land.”

“It is getting darker,” said Will,  “I can hear it.

You could be right.  This is not what I planned.

I hope that they’re careful and miss my sandcastle

When that blooming spaceship comes down here to land.”

“CLEAR OFF, ALIENS!”

9 BIZZ BOZZ

Bizz Bozz is an alien.                                   

He lives on William’s lawn                 

In a blue spaceship with fairy lights                 

With his friends called Eef and Crawn.                 

Bizz Bozz knocked on William’s door.        

“Are you coming out to play?                          

I’ve left my spaceship on your grass        

’Cos your Dad said that’s OK.”                          

“It’s really much too early,”

Yawned William, looking round.

“You mustn’t wake up Annie as

She’s sleeping really sound.”

“Do you know what?” said William,                  

Later on, when they were out,                                            

“It’s nice and warm and it won’t rain.         

And the sun has just come out.”                          

“We’ll have a game of football                 

Now the grass is almost dry                          

So move your spaceship off the grass        

And if you lose, don’t cry.”                          

Bizz Bozz said, “I’ll go in goal

And let’s see you try scoring

But as I will save all your shots

You may find it boring.”

“I doubt that,” said William,

“And don’t go making plans

You’ll only save the shots I take

Because you’ve got five hands.”

“Yes, that does help,” said Bizz Bozz.

10 William and Annie came to Tea

William and Annie came to tea

With all their friends and their family.

They sat in rows of ascending height

And everything was perfectly right,

That memorable day, now when would it be

When William and Annie came to tea?

It wasn’t a Monday or Thursday they came

They couldn’t come Tuesday and that was a shame,

As Tuesday’s teas are often auspicious

And the scones on a Friday are always delicious.

But it wasn’t a Friday, so when would it be

When William and Annie came to tea?

Willow and Maia and Sammy were sick

When Grandpa showed them a conjuring trick.

It wasn’t real magic but kids are naïve

And didn’t see teaspoons stuffed up his sleeve.

But, oh how they cheered, now when would it be

When William and Annie came to tea?

Was it a Saturday?  Couldn’t have been,

Nor on a Wednesday, as then our routine

Is off to the park, so all that remains

Is one day a week when he entertains;

So it was SUNDAY!  That’s when it would be

That William and Annie came to tea.

And very nice it was too!

Caroline and I have two nephews, Oscar who is 5 and Timo who is 3.  Joanna, Caroline’s sister and their mother, can replace William and Annie with her two.  So,

#1 begins: Oscar was a Gibblegobbler. Timo was a Quap.

#10 begins: Oscar and Timo came to tea

Sometimes for it to scan Oscar has to become the single syllable, ‘Osc’ though he would prefer to be  ‘Scar’. 

In Gibblegobbler:  “…  as she’d got custard on her skirt”  is changed to become “…  as he’d got custard on his shirt” and that’s likely as he is a very messy eater!