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Friday, February 27, 2015

106, Trailblazer!

Recently I have realised that I have been doing a lot of things that no one else has ever done before.  I have become a Trailblazer! 
I became aware that I was worthy of the “Trailblazer” epithet a month ago when I took my one year-old car in to the dealer for its first ever service, first thing on a Monday morning.  The Service Manager asked me what I thought of the car, now that I had driven it for a year.
“Very nice,” I told him, “I’m very pleased with it, although there are a couple of things that are a bit irritating.”  Of course, he asked me what they were.
“Well, the satellite navigation system is ridiculously complex,” I told him.  “It’s so complicated that the sat nav manual is 410 pages long.  That’s larger than the owner’s manual for the whole car and that’s just silly.”
“Really?” he said.  “No one’s mentioned that before.  Anything else?”
“Yes, when the sun is shining on the dashboard, it is impossible to see anything displayed on the instrument panel and that could be dangerous.”
“You’re right, that’s not good but you’re the first person to tell us that.”
“There’s one other thing,” I told him. “When the fuel tank is nearly empty, the symbol on the gauge that tells you which side the filler cap is on is covered by the needle, so you can't see it.  If that symbol were positioned higher on the gauge it would only be covered when the tank is full and then there wouldn’t be a problem.  I don’t suppose anyone has ever mentioned that to you before?”
“No, no one has.”
Now, I don’t want to suggest that the man was lying but I find it very hard to believe that I am the only one of several thousand drivers of this model of car who has experienced these frustrating niggles.
After the service was completed, I went to the car and immediately made a discovery that made me quite angry.  I put “Home” into the sat nav and nothing came up.  After a minute’s investigation I discovered that my entire Address Book had been wiped.  I went back into the garage, confronted the Service Manager and then had to wait while he went off to make enquiries. 
He returned after ten minutes to explain that two days earlier they had received a system update from the manufacturer and I was the first customer to have it installed.  I told him that there had been no problem before and I wish they had asked me before they did the installation. 
He said he was sorry, that didn't know until now that the update would clear the memory and I was unlucky to be the first customer affected.  But, on the bright side, they would know in future. 
“Am I the unluckiest customer you’ve ever met?”  I asked him.  “I seem to have problems that no one else has ever had.”  He just shrugged.
The day after the car service I went to a local garden centre that also has a very good food hall. I shop in the food hall a lot (I don’t do gardening).  I was astounded to find that piles of plastic sacks of compost and topsoil had been placed to cover the four disabled-parking bays close to the entrance.  Hundreds of them!
“How long is that going to last?” I asked the manager.
“It’s permanent,” he told me.  “It’s a much more convenient location for customers.”
“But what about disabled drivers like me?” I asked him.  “What about our convenience?  You’re treating us with contempt.” 
“No one else has said anything,” he told me as he turned to walk away.  “You’re the only one to have complained.”  Another first!
Maybe all managers go on the same course where they are told that the best way to diffuse the situation when someone complains is to feign ignorance of the existence of the said problem.  It certainly seems so.
Caroline and I booked into a hotel on the North Norfolk coast last Saturday afternoon.  We had paid in full before we arrived and it was not cheap at £125 a night but we checked out fifty minutes after we arrived.
The first problem we encountered was that on that cold February afternoon the room was uncomfortably cool with the temperature at around 15°C.  The radiators were only lukewarm and the supplementary heater we requested began to gurgle and it crackled noisily. 
The hotel had advertised that there was “Free Wi-Fi” available but we couldn’t get a connection in our room.  Added to that, the decor was shabby with peeling wallpaper and the décor was more like a room in an old people’s home than in a hotel.
We decided to leave and asked reception for £125 credit to be put on to the card.  Reception called the manager and of course, as soon as she arrived, she tried to persuade us to change our minds but we were adamant that we were leaving.
“No one else has ever had difficulty with Wi-Fi before,” she said.
“I find that difficult to believe.  Am I really the first?” I asked her.  She assured me that I was.
“I expect I’m also the first person to tell you that there is peeling wallpaper under the window in Room 18, I suppose?”
“Yes you are.”
“Then I imagine that this is another first for you:  We would have checked out fifteen minutes ago, but the toilet flush is so feeble that it took six attempts to clear the bowl.”
“Yes, you’re right,” she said somewhat sniffily.  “No one has ever told me such a thing before.”
“Well, I’m not surprised to hear that,” I said.  “I don’t usually talk about turds with strangers either, but if anyone ever refers to it to you in future, you’ll be able to say that it has been mentioned before.”
“Please don’t tell them it’s the first time you’ve heard about it.”

[A week after that conversation with that garden centre manager I sent the company an email telling them of my “distress” at the way disabled customers have been treated with such indifference and disdain.  I had a phone call from them this morning to tell me that the sacks have been moved and the bays are back in use.  I really feel I have achieved something worthwhile.]

Thursday, February 19, 2015

105. Just what I wanted

Presents, either buying them or receiving them, are always a problem for me.  I dread the run up to Christmas because I always struggle to think of something to buy Caroline.  A couple of years ago things came to a head.

“I couldn’t have done more to help you,” she said in exasperation.  “There really isn’t any more I can do.  You always have six months warning to buy me a present whether it's Christmas or for my birthday, but you always leave it to the last minute – except for the time you forgot altogether.”

“I didn’t forget,” I said indignantly, “it was ordered but it didn’t arrive in time.”

“So, you say!”

“It’s true, but it was worth it when it finally came, wasn’t it?”

“That’s not the point,” she said.  “My parents were considerate enough for me to be born exactly halfway between one Christmas and the next, so you always have the maximum amount of time to think of a present and then buy it.”

“Actually,” I said cautiously,  “I think you’ll find that June the twenty ninth is halfway between Christmases, not the twenty fifth, your birthday.”

“But it was my Christmas present that was late, not my birthday present and so you had an extra four whole days to think about it.”

I wish I had the same attitude to buying presents as our nephews, Oscar and Timo.  They both get more genuine pleasure from finding and giving presents than they do from receiving them.  Three years ago, when he was 4, Timo rushed into our new house for the first time just after we had moved in and excitedly told Caroline,

“We’ve got you a surprise present.  You won’t guess what it is.  It’s a watering can.”

We spent last Christmas with them, and I knew that they had bought me something special because they spent all Christmas Eve telling me that they had known exactly which shop in New York to get me a present from and I had to open their present first.  I did open it first and I did so with them both pressed up against me, staring intently at the package as I unwrapped it to reveal – a raccoon’s skull.  I wasn’t expecting that!  

Last Christmas, Caroline gave me a list of 5 ideas to help me and that certainly made my ordeal a lot easier.  I wish I could do the same for her, but I never can.  Presents always cause me problems.  My birthday is in early February and the moment the Christmas lights have come down, Caroline asks me what I’d like for my birthday.

There are two problems that always emerge after being asked this question.  Firstly, if there were something that I really wanted, I would have asked for it as a Christmas present.  Secondly, and this difficulty is virtually insurmountable, there is never anything that I really want. Also, I never really want anything nowadays and if I did, I’d buy it straight away.  I wouldn’t wait until an occasion.  

A good present is one that you don’t realise you want or need until you get it.  The raccoon skull is a good example of this.

This birthday, I thought I had it cracked.  Instead of coming out with my usual answer which is, “Oh, I don’t know, nothing really,” I announced, vehemently and confidently,

“A Julienne Peeler!”

Five minutes later I discovered that I hadn’t cracked it at all. 

“I’m not getting you one of those,” Caroline said.  “They’re too cheap.  The most expensive one I can find online is three pounds forty-nine.”

“But that’s what I want, and it’s what I need,” I bleated, plaintively.

“Then you’ll have to buy it yourself.  My present to you has got to cost at least ten times that.”

“Why?  Because if that's a measure of how much you love me, I wish you loved me less because a Julienne peeler is the only thing I really want.”

Two days later, after more persistent questioning from Caroline and some deep thought by me, I was able to put something else on my wish list but that wasn’t satisfactory either.

“Are you taking the piss?” Caroline demanded.  “Three and a half thousand pounds for a television!  I don’t love you that much!”

“Yes, but it’s a smart one,” I said.  “It does all sorts of things.”

“You are being deliberately difficult.”

“No, I’m not,” I said, “I’ll think about it some more and let you know.”

So, I went online.  My first stop, after I’d put, “presents for a 68-year-old man” into Google, was John Lewis and their ‘For Him’ range.   What a waste of time! Most suggestions were fairly useless.

Cufflinks:    Who wears them these days?  

Ties:           I haven’t worn a tie since 1975.

Socks:     I haven’t worn socks since we went to Cayman in 2005.

Aftershave: I have never used aftershave.

Bags:          What am I supposed to put in a leather bag? 

Useless!

I found ‘Presents For Old Men’ on Amazon.  This looked promising: an Inflatable Zimmer Frame reduced from £9.99 to £3.69 but Caroline won’t buy me that because it’s too cheap and anyway, I don’t really need it - yet. 

The other ideas were all non-starters except for, Miracle Hair Growth Mints that are promised to give “Great Hair and Fresh Breath” but again at £6.99 they are too cheap, while a Self-Stirring Mug is just too ridiculous to be taken seriously.  Stirring my coffee is just about the only exercise I get these days.

Many of the potential presents I discovered online were no good for me because they are alcohol related and I've had no alcohol since August 2007.  There were any number of hip flasks, decanters and personalised whisky tumblers.

My last port of call was ‘Difficult Grandads’ and this looked as if it had potential because most ideas were in excess of thirty pounds.  I decided against Six StickOn Moustaches, "in different styles made with real hair".  If I had ever wanted a moustache, I would have grown my own and I never have. 

I am sorely tempted to Become a Lord! because, apparently, “This is your opportunity to join the noble 'Elite' and be the envy of your friends.”  Caroline could buy me a title so that I become Lord Wilton of some tiny plot of land somewhere in the highlands of Scotland but unfortunately at £14.99, it doesn’t cost enough.

However, after nearly an hour of searching, I have found something for next time I’m asked what I want for a present: 

Fart-Filtering Boxer Shorts.  They eliminate odour by means of an activated carbon panel sown into the back of them.  At £24.99, one pair is too cheap, but I will need at least two pairs, won’t I?

 

Afterword

Caroline has just read this through and asked me, "What are fast filtering boxer shorts?"

It's interesting that she read what she expected to read and not what I wrote.