Liquid Gold

I like retail websites that easily allow you to return goods you’ve ordered and refund the cost of those purchases.  This happened to me when I returned a pair of shoes to Skechers.  

They were advertised as “slip-ins” and certainly would have been for virtually everyone but me.  I couldn’t just slip into them because of the three screws I have in my left ankle that prevent me from flexing my ankle like other people.

Within two days of their return, the full purchase price was back in my bank account.

A week ago, Caroline was grateful for the returns policy of a company that sells olive oil online for absurdly high prices.  The company justify the ridiculous price on the grounds that it is organic, small batch, ethically sourced and direct from the farmers.  It is a niche “luxury” olive oil and is “obtainable from Harrods”.  

The olives that produce the oil come from Koroneiki olive trees and we all know how wonderful the Koroneiki tree is. With global warming upon us, perhaps it would be a wise investment to get hold of a few Koroneiki olive trees and plant them in the garden. 

The 500ml bottle cost £70 and Caroline bought it as a birthday present for her sister.  Although that is a ludicrous price, the most expensive oil they advertise is £499 for a 250ml bottle - £1,996 a litre.  That’s even more expensive than diesel!  They do offer free delivery though.

Research I’ve done into this oil, reveals that the retail markup is enormous compared with what the farmers/producers were actually paid for the oil,  A large part of the price is for packaging and luxury appeal - and for mugs like my wife.

The oil is so luxurious that consumers, or fools as I call them, are advised not to use it in any form of cooking.  It should be served untainted as, for example, a dressing on salad or as a dip for fresh, crusty bread and also, on dark chocolate mousse.

When the oil arrived, there was an obvious problem and Caroline wrote to Customer Services:

I recently purchased a bottle of olive oil from your website.  When it arrived, although the outside packaging was completely intact, the inside box containing the bottle was damaged. This was very disappointing as I bought it as a gift. 

It appears that you have selected a damaged product to send when fulfilling my order.

The company replied:

Hi Caroline,

Thanks so much for reaching out about your recent order. I'm really sorry.  Receiving a damaged order is always frustrating but especially when it's meant as a gift for someone special. That's really not the experience we want for our customers.  I have arranged a replacement to be sent out to you right away. 

We're sorry again for the stress this has caused, and we really appreciate your patience with this. Please don't hesitate to reach out if there's anything else I can do.

Best wishes,

Scout

What is all this “reaching out” nonsense?  Why has the word “contact” fallen into disuse?

“We are going to get a free bottle of luxury olive oil,” Caroline told me, excitedly.  “We’ll have salad every day for a month.”

This morning, the doorbell rang.  It was the postman and he was holding a large, flat cardboard package about 60cm x 40cm.  It was about a centimetre thick and much too big to pass through our letterbox.

I opened it, wondering what on earth it could be as I had never received a package that looked anything like that before.

It was, as promised, the replacement from the olive oil company.

No oil.  Just new, flawless, pristine packaging.  

Oh well, it’s ham, egg and chips this evening.  The salad will have to wait and perhaps I’ll try dripping tomato sauce on the chocolate mousse I’ve made.

 

Who, What, When, Where, Why ?????

It’s been four months since my last post and I thought I’d finally run out of ideas but then, as has often been the case, Caroline said something that produced a deluge of thoughts and ideas.

 

If someone asks you, “What is the capital city of France?”, you can answer straight away.  You answer, “Paris,” in the confident knowledge that you had supplied all the information they needed.

Some questions, however, need at least one preliminary response before a definite and accurate answer may be given.  

“Where did you leave the book?” would probably need at least one query (“Which book?”) before a precise response could be given.  

There are questions that have to be answered immediately.  Any delayed response that seeks clarification, could result in the questioner becoming offended or upset.  

“Do you like my hair?” is a query that in theory, has two or three possible answers but in reality, there is only one answer that can be given and that answer is an immediate, “YES!” 

Some questions are so vague that an immediate answer is impossible.  I was thinking about this a week ago when a question was asked by a woman on a closed Facebook group of which I’m a member.

“Where’s a good place to get a MOT?”

I could think of a number of questions I would need to ask before giving an informed answer but I wrote nothing because, very soon, 11 people had named about 20 places.  

I couldn’t see how they were any help to the questioner whatsoever.  She could have discovered them and many others by using Google.  Also, the places recommended were in an area of about 200 square miles and so some of them must be much further from her than others.

That thought obviously occurred to another member who wrote: 

“This is a strange question.  MOTs are objective assessments. There can be no leeway given and so no place is better or worse than any other. 

If any business gets a reputation for passing vehicles that would fail on other places, that business would lose its MOT licence.  

If, what you are actually asking is,  “Where can I take my car for a MOT where they will pass it even if there are faults with it?” you should delete it now for the safety of all road users.”

Her reply didn’t answer his point in any way:

“I'm not asking for a MOT place where they will pass it just like that.  I have grandkids in the car.  Safety is my first thing.”

He came back with: “So, what was the point of your question? Go to the one closest to you.”

From that point the “Lady” who had asked the question became vitriolic and her comments were abusive and liberally scattered with obscenities which, for some reason, the group administrator allowed to pass.

There is at least one question that is often answered with some degree of a lie and that is when someone asks, “How are you?”  I and almost everyone answers with some variation of, “Fine thanks,” but sometimes, that isn’t the case.  However, it would be crass and tiresome to answer by telling them exactly how you really are feeling.

I’ve been trying to think of a question that someone might ask me that would necessitate me asking the greatest number of follow-ups before I could give a reliable answer.  

Recently, as I was walking out of a shop in Milton Keynes Centre, a woman asked me where the nearest bus stop was.  Of course, I had to ask her where she wanted to go before I could help but because of that, I think that question scores very highly on the Vague Scale.  

“Can you tell me where there’s a bus stop please?”

The elucidatory question that would have to be asked is, “Where are you going to?”

Follow up questions could be:

1               How far are you able to walk to reach it?

2               Would you prefer a covered, sheltered bus stop?

Caroline and I drove into the local Garden Centre car park recently.  I thought we were there just to visit the Food Hall but it immediately became apparent that Caroline thought we were there to collect bags of compost that she had ordered.  

The place was very busy and there were more than 150 cars in the there.  Caroline asked me a question that scored so highly on the Vague Scale that it broke it. 

“Will you get behind that car in the compost collection queue, please?”

“Where’s that?”

“That car in the queue.  Get behind it.”

“Which car?”

“That one.”

“Which one? There are loads of them.”

“The silver one.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“The one going up a slight slope.”

“What!!!!!”

Eventually, by pointing her finger (and raising her voice somewhat), she was able to direct me to the collection point.

What she could have said was, “I need to collect some compost I’ve ordered.  Keep driving slowly and I’ll direct you to the collection point.”

But then, this post would never have appeared.