184 The Hell That Is Scrabble

I hate Scrabble.  I refuse to play if ever someone suggests a game.  

Even though I always lose, that’s not the reason I won’t play.  I really am not a bad loser.  Goodness knows I’ve had enough practice!

I always seem to lose at any board game I play.  I haven’t won a game of monopoly since 1993 and I have never won a game of Cluedo.  The nadir was my 6-year-old grandson consistently beating me at Guess Who last Christmas.

When I was a kid and played Scrabble with my friends, it was quite enjoyable but I remember that it all went wrong when Paul, who had recently moved to Suffolk from Newcastle, put down GAN.  We said it wasn’t a word, but he insisted it meant the same as “go”.  

Consulting a dictionary just made matters worse.  According to the dictionary, GAN was not there as a synonym for “go” but it was a Chinese dialect. 

“So, it’s OK,” said Paul.  “I can use it.”

“No, you can’t,” we all yelled at him, insisting that you had to know the meaning of any word you put down.  

“Where does it say that in the rules?” asked Paul.

“It probably doesn’t, but would you let one of us use 'squit'?” someone asked.

“That means what you’re doing now – talking a load of old squit.  Rubbish or nonsense.”

Paul grabbed the dictionary.  “It’s not there but ‘squits’ is and it means diarrhoea.  So, no.”

After that, Scrabble was never the same again.

I was reminded of my antipathy to Scrabble by a recent feature in The Times puzzle page that consisted of a Scrabble problem.

The article featured a point in a match between two contenders in a Scrabble competition.  Readers were shown the layout of the board and the letters in the rack of one of the players.

We were asked to determine the play he should make that scored 24 points and at the same time, severely restricted his opponent’s immediate scoring opportunities.

When I looked at the board, I assumed that some mistakes had been made.  Of the 23 different words on the board, there were only 8 I had ever heard of before and I wouldn’t have allowed 2 of them to be used in a game of Scrabble that I was playing.  

These words below must all be legitimate in Scrabble as the article stated that all words were featured in “Collins Official Scrabble Words”.

Maybe my vocabulary is limited compared with other people’s.  Here are the 15 words on the board that I have never come across before:

AE, BRR, DAWT, EN, ES, FAE, GAE, KAE, KAT, OOT, OUPA, QIN, RUANA, XU, ZINE.

Only 5 of those words appear in my dictionary but I researched and here are the meanings of them all.

AE	Internet domain name for United Arab Emirates.  Why is that allowed?
BRR	BRRR is a reaction to extreme cold.  Maybe BRR is just a bit chilly.
DAWT	A Scottish variation of daut*. And we all know what that means.
EN	A unit of measurement in printing that is equal to half an ‘em’.
ES	The chemical ‘einsteinium” and the internet domain name for Spain.
FAE	A Scottish word for ‘from’.
GAE	A Scottish word for ‘go’.
KAE	An obsolete Scottish term for a jackdaw.   Ridiculous!
KAT	Is a variant spelling of ‘khat”.  Obviously.
OOT	American abbreviation for ‘Out Of Town”.  American?  What!
OUPA	From Afrikaans, an affectionate South African term for a grandfather.
QIN	A Chinese dynasty from the 3rd century BC.
RUANA	A woollen wrap resembling a poncho.
XU	A Vietnamese monetary unit that is one-hundredth of a dong.
ZINE	A fanzine.

It appears now that Paul was quite right all those years ago.  If GAE is allowed as a Scottish variant of ‘go’ then surely, GAN must be as well.

Based upon these ridiculous, allowable words, here’s a tip for you if you play Scrabble again:

Just before you start, tell your opponent what a twontx day you’re having and that you hope the ugats in the town centre have skulted before, later in the day, you arzz collect the amelerants and lofs you ordered from John Lewis.  

That’s why I will never play Scrabble.  I really don’t mind losing at all but how can you possibly enjoy playing a game that by its very nature, is wide open to interpretation and probably, will lead to an argument?  

*  You were right.  Daut means “to stroke, pet or cuddle”.