I haven’t posted anything for 10 weeks, partly because I have had nothing to say but mainly because I am still trying to recover from the verbal onslaught I received from my wife after the last one was posted.
The day I posted Get a move on!, Caroline confronted me in the kitchen.
“Do you only post things that make me look stupid?” she demanded.
“Don’t know what you mean.”
“You made me seem like an idiot because I mistook the outside temperature for the speed that cruise control was set at.”
“Well you did and I thought it was funny.”
“And in, “Give me an L” she went on, “you wrote that I am embarrassing to be with in public; in Rural Stress,” she said, looking at a piece of paper that she’d made notes on, “you made me out to be tight and mean; in Calm down! you made it seem that both my sister and I are scatty and silly, while in Raspberries you showed me up as cruel and insensitive and that’s just going back to last September. There are seventy before then that I can’t be bothered to look at.”
“Yes, but they were all written with love,” I said, a little uncomfortably.
“Why is it that you never write about the many, many times when you make a complete tit of yourself?” she demanded.
“Because I never do,” I said, uneasily.
“Huh! What about that quiz show the other afternoon?”
“I was confused, that’s all,”
“No, you weren’t,” she scoffed. “If I’d said what you did and made myself look a complete plonker, it would have been read by sheep farmers in Patagonia within minutes. Write about it, tell the truth and don’t alter it so you come out looking less of a pillock than you are.”
****
A couple of days ago Caroline came home early and caught me indulging in my secret vice – watching “The Chase”, an afternoon quiz show.
In one part of it, a contestant is asked a question and then given three possible answers, one of which is correct.
The question could be, “What is the capital city of Romania?” After a pause of a second or two, during which I tend to show off by shouting out the answer, three possible answers will appear:
BUCHAREST PRAGUE SOFIA
Caroline had sat down and was looking through some papers from work. Unluckily for me, she looked up and paid attention to the programme just as the fateful question was asked.
“Which of these is a famous French impressionist?”
“How the hell would I know that?” I shouted at the television. “I wouldn’t know a good impression of Nicolas Sarkozy from a bad one! Who is the French equivalent of Rory Bremner?”
Then up came,
EDVARD MUNCH DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI CLAUDE MONET
Happy now, Caroline?
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