24. Hugo, Ralph, Calvin and Willard

I’ve never been a snappy, smart dresser.  I haven’t got a body that looks good in clothes.  Mind you, I look a damned sight better with clothes than I do without them but I won’t go into that.  Even when I try to make a real effort and wear a suit, collar and tie, I still look scruffy. 

Someone told me once that I was “comfortable” in my clothes and I am not sure whether she meant as a compliment or not.  I suspect it wasn’t.  It was probably a good example of damning with feint praise.

Last October Caroline and I went to the UK.  She asked me what clothes I intended to wear while there.  She pointed out that as the only clothes I possessed were T-shirts, shorts and the suit I got married in which was then, since I had lost more than 40 lbs in weight, too big for me, I had to buy some more. 

I knew deep down that she had a point and was probably right but I argued long and hard against spending money on clothes that I would wear for two weeks and then not wear again for perhaps two years. I did a clothes inventory to assess the position:

Shoes	3 pairs (2 pairs of sandals. 1 rubber Crocs)
Socks	0
Shorts	5 pairs
Long trousers	1 pair (worn twice a week at the school I help at)
Jeans	1 pair (last worn in October 2005)
Belt	1 never used
Pants/Boxers	15 pairs
T-shirts	14
Ties	0
Sweaters/Jumpers	0
Jackets	0
Overcoats	0
Swimming trunks	4
Waterproof “System”	1 previously only worn in the Lake District

That’s all I need living here in the tropics and so, in the end, I gave up.  I could see that I was not really fully equipped for England in October and because Caroline doesn't trust me to buy clothes on my own she insisted on coming with me to buy some.  It was like going shopping with my Mum except that we didn’t end up having a sticky bun in British Home Stores afterwards.

I was led to what I was told is Cayman's premier men’s clothes shop where I was quickly taken under the caring wing of Willard, the sales assistant.  Willard seemed to be practising for the day when the BBC decides to make a remake of, "Are You Being Served."   After twenty minutes (by this time we were really close friends) he was telling me all sorts of things about his private and personal life that I really didn’t want to know.

I always work on the principle that if you don’t know anything about what you want, go for the top of the range.  This philosophy has served me well with fridges, telephones and ballpoint pens.  Not so well with cars and women but that’s a different and much longer story.  I told Willard I wanted a suit that I could wear in the UK and in Cayman.

Willard shrieked with excitement. “Hugo Boss,” he screamed.  This meant nothing to me but Caroline, who knows about these things, told me that it was a ‘NAME’.  I tried on a Hugo Boss linen suit and got a nod of approval.

 “Shirts,” said Willard, “You can’t wear a T-shirt under that.”  He produced four Hugo Boss polo shirts. Caroline liked them all and so I said yes to them all.

 Willard then informed me that I couldn’t possibly wear the suit all day and so he recommended strongly that I buy a Ralph Lauren jacket for daywear that he just knew would suit me.  I had almost lost the will to live by this point.  My wife and Willard are a formidable team.  I said yes to the jacket and yes to some socks but NO to Calvin Klein boxer shorts.  No ‘NAME’ is better than M&S.           

Caroline & Willard	9
Terry	1

That was the final score.  Three days later I was buying a case of non-alcoholic lager.  I paid using my Nationwide debit card.  It was refused.  When I got home I rang Nationwide in the UK and was put through to the Fraud Department.

 “Yes Mr Wilton,” they said.  “We’ve put a block on that card because of recent unusual activity.”

“Have you been buying clothes sir?

Afterword

We landed at Heathrow on Sunday September 30^th.  Two days later, on Tuesday, I was admitted to York hospital Intensive Care Unit and I was there for 17 days.  We flew back two days after I was released.  Of the 78 different people I had made firm arrangements to meet, I saw 11. 

I wore two of the shirts and I wore the jacket once.  I have never worn the suit and probably never will now that my waistline has expanded by more than three inches as I have fully recovered my health and eaten like a horse for the last few months.  I have put back more than thirty- five pounds of the weight that I lost.