I pressed the key to post my piece, “Disappointment” last week and thought to myself,
“That’s it. I’ve nothing more to say. I lead a dull and dreary life. I’m not likely to experience anything interesting, let alone anything worth writing about for a few months or so but maybe I’ll have a memorable Christmas and I can write about that.”
Then along came X Factor!
Caroline and I got back from eating out at half past nine on Saturday evening. Caroline went straight upstairs to catch up on lesson preparation and I was left alone to flick through the television channels.
As I came across X Factor I heard one of the judges, who was speaking about one of the performers, use the word “AMAZING” three times in one breath. I was going to write that it was three times in one sentence but she doesn’t really speak in sentences.
I was so intrigued that this morning, with nothing at all useful or constructive to do*(see below), I found the programme on ‘Catch up TV on demand’ and played it through. I fast-forwarded through the acts and listened only to the judges’ comments. I kept a tally of the use of the word “AMAZING”.
The result was AMAZING. It was a programme lasting 1 hour 56 minutes. Take out the time used up by the introduction, the post performance interviews and 16 acts and you can work out that the time that the judges spent talking about the presentations was approximately 25 minutes.
Ready for the bombshell?
Between them, the four judges managed to say the word “AMAZING” 26 times in 25 minutes. That is a rate of 1.04 “AMAZINGS per minute” (a.p.m.). I believe that could be a world record. 1.04 a.p.m. over a sustained period will take some beating!
They were in fantastic form right from the start. They finished their comments on the first singer at a sprint and had reached 7 a.p.m. in the first 50 seconds until the American judge, who obviously had not completely understood the Judges’ Code of Conduct, cocked it all up by failing to say “AMAZING” even once but they completed their comments on the first female singer with a rating of 4 a.p.m.
With hindsight the comments on the first singer were fairly poignant as she was discarded the following evening while competitors who had barely rated 0.7 a.p.m. were kept in.
Kelly Rowland, the American, made up for her rather broader, more flexible and imaginative vocabulary than the other three judges to some extent by calling the singer, “Baby Girl”, an epithet she was to employ twice more in the course of the evening.
After 20 minutes of the show the count had reached 6 a.p.m. and things were looking good. Then Gary Barlow, who could possibly still benefit from losing a few more pounds, found the pace too swift and faded badly.
Not so Louis Walsh. He was in sparkling form and halfway through the show he appeared to have built up an unassailable lead, with six AMAZINGS ahead of Tulisa who was on four.
But I strongly fancied Tulisa. She is much younger and has considerably more staying power than Louis who was giving away good looks and more than 35 years in age to her.
I was right. She stormed through and won at a canter with an individual a.p.m. of 1.76 – a personal best I believe.
This was the final tally:
JUDGE
|
AMAZINGS
|
Louis Walsh
|
8
|
Tulisa
|
11
|
Kelly Rowland
|
3
|
Gary Barlow
|
4
|
I think that performance was very good. But more than that - it was also astounding, remarkable and almost astonishing. It was mind-blowing, just about incredible and certainly miraculous. It was wonderful but most of all it was truly AMAZING.
That was more of a fantastic performance than you can possibly imagine because these were comments on all 16 acts. In six to eight weeks time, when the rubbish has been voted off and only those with true talent remain, I can only guess at the sort of rates they may achieve.
When it comes to the Final Night, Tulisa will just sit there repeating the word “AMAZING” over and over again. It’s going to be *******.
*Apparently there are loads of things I could have done.
October 25th I watched it again tonight on 'Catch up TV'. Tulisa is still streaking ahead. She really is the Frankel of the judging world. Her skin is almost the same colour as his winter coat.
October 30th What’s going on? Only four usages of “AMAZING” this week. Perhaps Kelly’s absence disconcerted them or maybe they are saving themselves for a big flourish soon. Her stand-in was hopeless. Tulisa’s getting browner but the a.p.m. is sliding alarmingly.
November 6th A pretty lacklustre performance all round. I’m becoming more interested in Tulisa’s pronunciation of “world” as “welled” and “girl” as “gell”.
November 13th The a.p.m. was 1.04 at the end of week 1. It has dropped steadily, week by week. There was a slight revival this week led, of course by Tulisa and Louis but I really don’t think that the other two are entering into the spirit of the occasion.
November 20th The fight back begins! It was led of course by Tulisa. It was a staggering performance this week from the nonpareil of the cliché. Kelly seems to have given up altogether with an overall a.p.m. of 0.21 over the 7 weeks but Tulisa’s a.p.m. is now at 1.33.
November 27th The overall average of a.p.m. dropped this week and I think that the reason is fairly obvious: three of the judges have more or less given up. Tulisa wins for the eighth week in a row. She’s unstoppable!
December 3rd They were all very subdued this week. Tulisa’s lead was so immense before the start of the latest round that the others all seemed rather downcast and restrained. Gary won but it was a hollow victory because with a remarkable series a.p.m. of 1.20, Tulisa is in a class of her own.
Overall Series Result
Overall Series Result
AMAZINGS per minute
| |
Louis Walsh
|
0.45
|
Tulisa
|
1.20
|
Kelly Rowland
|
0.28
|
Gary Barlow
|
0.43
|
Have you ever read that Ben Elton book on this topic? I forget the title but it's quite good, almost as funny as this blog.
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