5. Wilton's Scale of Relationships

I was talking to David on Skype a couple of days ago. I first met him in 1962 when he and his brother Steve moved from Haverford West in south west Wales to Lowestoft in Suffolk and so I have known them both for 47 years.  Such longevity obviously breeds a certain familiarity and possibly it seems, even contempt.

“Have you seen my blog?” I asked David.  He had not.  “Have you got the web address?” I asked him.

“I'm not sure but I’m not going to go to the trouble of looking for it,” he said.  “If you want me to read something, send it as an e-mail and not as an attachment either.  I'm not going to the bother of opening an attachment.  I’ve got better things to do.”

So, if one of my oldest friends can’t be arsed to look for my ramblings, why would anyone else?  We were always good friends because we had a lot in common, especially sport and geography.  As I know he will be the first to admit, I was always his superior in every sport but I concede that he was the more committed and conscientious geographer.

Reflections on my relationship with David, have led me to consider relationships in general.  In a belated and probably futile bid for immortality, I have devised “Wilton’s Scale” of relationships.  It is my attempt at a place in posterity.  I want to be up there with Beaufort, Richter and Mohs.  You will find it below.  
It’s probably not an original idea.  I’ve no doubt that a social scientist, a psychotherapist or someone else who makes a living out of stating the bleeding obvious, will have beaten me to it.

Until a couple of days ago, David was a 7. There were times in the 70s when he came close to being the 8 but then, as now, he blew it. He runs the risk at the moment of being downgraded to a 5, or even a 3.

Wilton Number	Category	Description and Notes
-2	Enemy	Someone you genuinely hate.  They dislike you too and possibly hate you as well.  The cause of the animosity is unimportant.
-1	Dislike	Usually someone that you have to be with on a regular basis but would much rather that you didn’t.  Often a work colleague or a neighbour.
0	Total Stranger	Virtually everyone in the world.
1	Passing acquaintance	Someone you meet and acknowledge possibly once and never see again. Someone you meet while walking the dog or who gives way to you at a road junction.
2	Slight  acquaintance	This is a person that you come across fairly often, acknowledge and perhaps smile at when you do.  The assistant who often sells you a newspaper or a neighbour from down the road, or your child’s friend’s mother.
3	Acquaintance	Someone you have come to know.  You know each other’s names and exchange words when you meet but you never meet by design.
4	Internet Acquaintance	A person whom you have never met but are aware of and communicate with solely by electronic means: e-mail, social media etc.
5	Moderate friend	If you meet this person while shopping on a Saturday, you might suggest going for a coffee.  He or she knows some of the details of your life and you of theirs.  You have interests in common and often discuss them.  If you are having a party, you will think about whether to invite him or her. It’s not an automatic invitation.
6	Friend	This is the kind of person who makes your life enjoyable and what it is.  You would attend his or her funeral and expect that they would come to yours.
7	Very good friend	You have known these people for some time.  You are totally at ease in their company.  You feel happy at the prospect of seeing them.  He or she may criticise you and you will accept it, discuss it and tell him or her why they are wrong, but you never take offence.  You may go on vacation with them but this can be a dangerous move.
8	Best friend	There is only one of these and it is never a relative – not even your spouse. It is always someone of the same sex as you.
9	Soulmate	Make up your own definition.  It is possible to have two or three of these during the course of your life but one is the norm.  They can change from this to -2 or sometimes to a 4 or 5.
N/A	Relation	Rule unto themselves.  Impossible to categorise except biologically.

Notes and exemplifications

-2 Enemy

I’ve never had one.  There are some people who really irritate me and whom I dislike but I have never hated anyone - yet! There may be people who have classified me in this way and maybe still do but I am blissfully unaware of it.

-1 Disliked

These have only ever been work colleagues as far as I am concerned and over 35 years, the number is in the low, single figures. In fact, it may only be two. I used to leave the staff room when one of them came in rather than have to talk to him. He, however, thought that we were kindred spirits and would seek me out to talk bollocks to me. I was rather proud of myself that I never let him know the truth.

7 Very good friend

Going on holiday with very good friends is potentially a very dangerous exercise. We all know of occasions where the consequences have been disastrous.

Very good friends should remain at that level forever. It should be impossible for them to drop levels (Well done, David. For once in your life you have achieved the impossible. You might beat me at tennis one day - now that I have an artificial hip and an arthritic knee) and in rare circumstances they rise to category 8. You will probably know the date of their birthday.

8 Best friend

Times spent with your 8 are the best times; better even than some of the times spent with a 9 and that can be a source of conflict. Those young women you see on television gushing on about how their sister or, even worse their mother, is their best friend, are self-indulgent morons who need to get a life.

9 Soulmate

This can be problematic because for example this morning, in just half a second, I plummeted from 8 to -2 (I’m not telling you how except that it involved freezing cold water and a hot shower and gradually, five hours later as I write this, I have clambered back up to a 3 but now seem to have hit a plateau). 

It is also different from other categories in that someone can jump levels. Caroline went from a 7 to a 9.  In fact, I seem to remember that my proposal was something along the lines of:

“I am not certain and I will have to check on this and seek confirmation by means of much further, intensive research but I am proposing that we get married as I am fairly certain that you’ve recently become a nine.”

It took her a couple of weeks to understand what I meant.

********

Sunday is Valentine’s Day 2010. Year after year I studiously ignore it.  I really can’t see the point of recognising it other than as a means for greeting card companies, florists and sickly-chocolates manufacturers to make money. 

I am so anti-Valentine’s Day that I never go out to a restaurant on February 14th in case the staff and other patrons think we are there just because of the date.  As I have told Caroline many times, "It must be like Valentine’s Day every day being married to me."  I have never asked her but I am sure that she agrees. 

My antipathy is not based on bitter experiences.  I have received cards, although admittedly none since I was at school but I have never sent one.  The few that I received were always anonymous and I never discovered who the sender was except for one. 

When I was 16, a girl who I knew disliked me intensely, came up to me and handed me an envelope with my name written on it. “It fell out of Wendy’s bag and she’s gone home so you may as well have it,” she said. 

Knowing whom it was from totally ruined the experience.