182 Effin Aitch!

I may have given you the impression that during Lockdown I do nothing all day but sit in my chair and gaze out of the window.  Now, I can reveal that I’ve been doing more than that – a lot more.  I’ve been doing important research.

Before you read any further, please be cautioned that in the piece that follows, I use the word f**k without asterisks 77 times. 

The piece that follows is 1030 words long, giving a f**k : non-f**k ratio of 1:13 which could be some kind of record.

You may think that it’s all somewhat childish but there are people who will think it’s an important study.  If you think you’ll be offended, please don’t read further.

 

You have been warned!

 

Once, but only for about 18 hours, I sat on the committee of an association whose objective is to promote the good use of the English language.  

I resigned when I realised that I was absolutely nothing like the other committee members in terms of experiences or background.  I had made a mistake in ever accepting the nomination and I had to leave.  They are all very polite, pleasant and friendly but not really my kind of people.

It appears, however, that those remaining members of the committee haven’t been informed of my departure and I still receive emails circulated amongst themselves.

In the middle of August, I received an email from one that contained a cutting from the Daily Telegraph about the use of swear words in this country and how their frequency of use has changed since 1991 when the last survey was conducted.

30 years ago, apparently, “bloody” was the swear word used most often in everyday language but it no longer holds that prime position.  As the article came from the Telegraph, it didn’t, of course, mention which word has superseded “bloody” to sit at the top of the table today but obviously, that word is “fuck” and its derivatives.

I’m hardly surprised because “fuck” is so versatile and may be used to convey virtually every emotion or feeling that we have.  30 years ago, it was rarely heard on television but today, after 9 pm, it pops up frequently and regularly.

Of the more than 10,000 words that begin with ‘f’, only “fuck” is the “f-word”.  There is no other.  If I told you that someone had used the “b-word”, you might think it was “bloody”, “bastard”, “bugger” or “Boris”.   There are no uncertainties with the “f-word”.

In response to that email about swearing, some people reproduced jokes that rely on the surprise factor of the f-word to make them even mildly funny.  This is perhaps the best:

A family lived next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The family's 5-year-old daughter started talking with them.  They let her sit with them while they had breaks and they gave her little jobs to do. 

At the end of the first week, she was presented with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

“You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.

“Yes,” the little girl proudly replied.  “I worked every day with Steve and Mike.  We should finish by the end of the month as long as those wankers at Jewson’s deliver the fucking bricks on time.”

After I had received two more jokes in a similar vein, I thought the committee members might be interested in my research on the versatility of the word “fuck”.  There were two women of advancing years among the addressees, and I didn’t want to be blatantly coarse and vulgar.   Consequently, I sent them what follows but following the example of our national press, I asterisked all the ‘fuck’ words to ‘f**k’.  

Mind you, asterisking is always a bit stupid, isn’t it?  Everyone knows what’s hiding there.

	Context	Usage
1	As a transitive verb:	He fucked her.
2	As an intransitive verb:	She was fucked by him.
3	As an adverb:	He’s fucking quick.
4	As an adjective:	He’s such a fucking idiot.
5	The imperative mood:	Fuck off!
6	The imperative (Emphasis):	You can fuck right off.
7	As a noun:	Look at that stupid fuck.
8	Aggression:	Fuck you!
9	Annoyed contempt:	Go fuck yourself!
10	Anxiety:	Now, I’m really fucked.
11	Astonished disbelief:	What the fuck?
12	Astonishment/Awe:	What?  No fucking way.
13	Astonishment (Total):	What the actual fuck?
14	Apathy:	Who gives a fuck?
15	Bewildered ignorance:	Fuck knows.
16	Brain glitch:	That noise gives me a headfuck.
17	Broken:	That clock is completely fucked.
18	Broken (Beyond repair):	This fucking fucker’s fucking fucked.
19	Deceit:	I got fucked at the auction.
20	Derision:	Look at that stupid fucker.
21	Difficulty:	I can’t fucking work this fucker!
22	Disappointment:	Fuck it!
23	Disaster/Mismanagement:	This is a fuck up.
24	Disaster (Major):	That was a total fuck up.
25	Disbelief:	Fuck my old boots.
26	Disdain:	I don’t give a tuppeny fuck.
27	Disillusionment:	What a fuck up!
28	Dismissal:	Get the fuck out of here!
29	Displeasure:	What the fuck’s going on in here?
30	Displeasure with a group:	Fuck the fuckers.
31	Displeasure (Extreme):	Fuckity fuck fuck
32	Emphasis:	As creepy as fuck.
33	Emphatic negative reply:	Was it, fuck! / Did I, fuck! / Did they, fuck!
34	Enjoyment:	I had a fucking good time.
35	Exasperation	Fucking hell!
36	Excess:	There’s a fuckload of salt in this.
37	Expletive:	Fuck!
38	Goodbye (Irritably):	Fuckitybye
39	Greeting:	How the fuck are you?
40	Hostility:	I’ll knock your fucking head off.
41	Idiot:	A fuckwit.
42	Imbecile:	Fucktard
43	Ignorance:	He knows fuck all about it.
44	Ignorance (Self):	Fucked if I know.
45	Ignorance (Total):	She knows fuck all about fuck all.
46	Indeterminate number:	Two hundred and fuck knows how many.
47	Impatience:	Oh, for fuck’s sake!
48	Incredulity:	Well, fuck me gently.
49	Lack of interest:	I don’t give a fuck.
50	Lack of interest (Total):	I don’t give a flying fuck.
51	Meddle or interfere:	Don’t fuck around with that.
52	Mistreat or exploit someone:	To fuck someone over
53	None or nothing:	There’s fuck all in there.
54	Nonsense/Bullshit:	That’s complete fuckery
55	No solution to a problem:	We’re totally fucked.
56	Objects/Things or People:	Look at those fuckers
57	Pretension:	Look at that uppity-fuckity twat.
58	Problem:	Now I’m fucked.
59	Problem (Very big):	That’s a huge clusterfuck.
60	Sarcastic admiration:	Really?  Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo.
61	Shocked surprise:	Holy fuck!
62	Shoes - Inflating sexual image:	Fuck-me shoes
63	Silence:	He said fuck all.
64	Surprise:	Fuck me!
65	Suspicion:	What the fuck are you doing?
66	Tmesis:	Abso-fucking-lutely.
67	Useless and incompetent:	A fuckpig
68	Wonder:	What the fuck was that?
69	Wreck or ruin someone:	Are you trying to fuck me over?

Within ten minutes of receiving it, one of the women sent this to everyone:

Can we all wash out our mouths with soap (especially Terry Wilton) and fix our minds on higher things?

As I said - not my kind of people.

In case you missed it, here's the crossword from last time. (Click to See) Having read the above, I expect you will be inured to the phrase  that's revealed in the grid.  (The solution is below.)

Across

Down

8   Make better or satisfy (7) 9   Fibre in the body; courage (5) 10 Round a spool in a radio cassette (5,4) 11 A fish (3) 12 The tide ______ and flowed (5) 14 More smoky (7) 16 They are fired from a gun (7) 18 He picks premium bonds (5) 20 A child’s plaything (3) 21 Dug a hole (9) 23 A smell (5) 24 Appears; becomes apparent (7)

1 The front of a building (6) 2 Second hand (4) 3 The whole kit and  ______ (8) 4 Greek meat dish (5) 5 On a single occasion (4) 6 Not a whole number (8) 7 Tributary stream; provides food (6) 13 Extravagant fuss (8) 15 General appraisal (8) 16 Treacherously give information (6) 17 It must be kept from people (6) 19 First born of siblings (6) 21 Jacob & Rebecca's eldest son (4) 22 Roman garment (4)

The solution: