Do other people find shopping on the internet as difficult as I do? I don’t shop online very often but when I do, something usually goes wrong.
I am not very good at online shopping.
The first time I ever shopped online was about nine years ago when I tried to buy some wood stain and it was the first time I used Amazon. It all seemed so easy and I thought that this was to be the future. All I would ever need again would be a credit card and a computer and I'd be able to buy anything I needed.
The first sign that it wasn’t going to be as easy as I imagined was when nothing had arrived after a week. After two weeks, I saw that no money had left my bank account and that’s when I gave up and went to Homebase.
Despite that experience, a month later and a week before my granddaughter’s fourth birthday, I went online to buy her a present.
On the evening of the day before the birthday, I rang her mother to see if the present had arrived. It hadn’t but half an hour later the package came - to my house in London!
The next morning I was on the road at 7.00 a.m. to drive 140 miles so that Marianne had her present at 10 o’clock.
In March this year, I needed to buy duck food. I needed it because every morning when I go into our living room, I’m greeted by the sight of between 2 and 8 ducks standing on the step outside the glass patio doors.
The moment I appear, they become agitated and very noisy and if I don’t get there and feed them before 8 o’clock, the step becomes covered in duck poo.
Ramble
If Kärcher ever decide to run an advertisement for their Home Pressure Washer, they should contact me. I’d be prepared to testify that nothing is better for removing hardened, sun-baked duck poo than their K-4 pressure washer.
I’ve even got the script prepared for the ad agency:
“When these little rascals pay me a visit” (gesture towards the group of ducks on the step) “they sometimes forget their manners” (shot of solid duck poo followed by a kindly smile and a shoulder shrug - a gesture suggesting “what can you do, eh?”)
“The little presents they leave are really hard to remove and I’ve struggled with this nuisance for years - but now (dramatic pause) - I’ve got the problem solved.” (Close up of a smiling, relieved face)
“The Kärcher K-4 pressure washer blasts away even the most stubborn mess. Just watch this!” (Shot of the hose in action clearing poo off the steps)
“See that, you scallywags? (smiling indulgently towards the ducks) As clean as it could be, so no harm done. Now, why don’t you scamps waddle off and have some fun in the pond?”
(Close up shot of an earnest but contented face with the voiceover saying),
When shit happens, Kall for Kärcher
The Kärcher K4. It’s not shit - it cleans shit
The duck problem is my own fault. I started feeding them as soon as we came to live here and over the years, they’ve become more demanding. In the summer, when it was hot and the doors were open, two of them would come in to join me watching the test match on the television.
It arrived one Saturday morning and I was rather surprised that it could be posted through the letter box. I had bought a trial pack of 175 grams!
Other types of online shopping causes problems. Cooking for my daughter and her family when they visit us is a nightmare.
She has coeliac disease and her diet has been free of gluten since she was three. My grandson has severe allergies to nuts and shellfish. On top of that, the whole family is vegetarian.
When they last visited, I decided to cheat by buying two gluten-free, vegan pizzas from Waitrose online.
The shopping arrived at the same time as my daughter and they were all starving after a four-hour drive. I immediately searched through the Waitrose bags for the pizzas. Oh dear! I thought they seemed quite cheap when I ordered them and now I saw why.
They were just pizza bases with no topping at all. I am not very good at online shopping.
Recently, it became apparent that it wasn’t possible to alter the temperature of the water coming from our shower. No matter how much the control lever was moved - whether to try to make the water warmer or cooler - the temperature stayed the same. It was just about all right but it would have been better if it could have been just a little warmer.
Brian, my neighbour is a qualified plumber as well as being a qualified electrician and a highly skilled carpenter and tiler. In every way, he is the perfect neighbour.
He had a look at it for me, fiddled about with it for a time and then told me that we needed a new thermostatic cartridge. Unfortunately, he was certain that neither Wickes, B&Q or Homebase would stock the one I needed.
That meant I had to search for it and buy it online and I’m not very good at online shopping.
I needed a Mira Agile Pronta thermostatic shower cartridge. I found it, part number 1736.704 - sorted! I was quite proud of myself.
An hour later, Brian came back and asked which thermostatic shower cartridge I’d ordered.
“That’s the wrong one,” he said. “You need the 1736.703. The 704 is Single Lever but you need a Double Lever, the 703.”
“Oh yes, of course I do,” I agreed. “How stupid of me.”
Before I put in the order for the 703, I cancelled 704. Easier said than done but after about 10 minutes, I was ready to place the new order.
The 703 is £6 more expensive than the 704 but that didn’t matter. It would be worth it to be able to have a hot shower in the depths of winter.
Three days later, I opened the front door to greet a delivery driver struggling to hold 5 packages.
I am now the owner of three Mira Agile Pronta thermostatic shower cartridges 1736.704 and two Mira Agile Pronta thermostatic shower cartridges 1736.703. In total, they have cost about £300 and I just hope I can find out how to return those I don’t need.
I will probably have to ask Caroline for help I suppose. She is an online shopping expert whereas I, as you may have come to realise by now, am not very good at online shopping.
