Until yesterday, I thought that I’d probably not post anything on my blog for several months or possibly, ever again. Nothing’s happening; life has stopped. The last time I left the house in the normal way, was on March 12th.
Since then, Caroline and I have not left the immediate locality except for three short car journeys we made to post letters. I’ve driven only 24 miles in 55 days. Those trips were absolute treats and we savoured every moment, driving very slowly to take as long as possible to reach the post box and then returning home the long way round.
I’ve had some (almost) interesting experiences in this Lockdown Period, however. At lunchtime, a couple of days after this nightmare all began, I had a WhatsApp video call from Monica in Jamaica.
When I was virtually bed-ridden in Cayman before my transplant, Caroline had to be at work all day and Monica was my Carer. She’s my age and has never been anywhere outside the Caribbean.
We chatted for a time and she asked what I did all day; how I was spending my time. I told her that I was reading the newspapers from front to back, watching a lot of television (more of that later) but mostly, just looking out of the window. I flipped the camera to show her the view from my chair:
Monica was horrified. “Oh dear,” she cried, “All your trees are dead!” The concept of seasons is unknown to her.
Sometime near the end of March, we noticed that whenever the shower or the lavatory in the bathroom is used, drips of water came through the kitchen ceiling. We have a leak but because of our shielding in self isolation, we can’t have anyone in the house to fix it. Consequently, for the past six weeks, we have been using our tiny downstairs cloakroom and wash basin for everything.
One morning, at about 8.30, I was having an all over wash. Through the window, I could see Caroline, coffee mug in hand, wandering about some 30 yards away at the edge of the garden. The doorbell rang. I ignored it but 30 seconds later it rang again, this time accompanied by urgent knocking as well.
I assumed that it was our postman, Budgie, at the door, with something too large for the letterbox. I know him well and wasn’t bothered how I looked and so, after wrapping a small hand towel around my waist, I opened the front door.
It wasn’t Budgie but it was a DHL delivery driver. I grunted an acknowledgement at him as he gestured towards a package on the step.
“Thanks, but I’m not signing that,” I told him, pointing at the electronic signature pad he was holding. “I’m distancing.”
“No need to,” he smirked. “I’ve photographed you as you opened the door and that’s accepted now as a signature.”
(You probably have a disturbing mental image in your mind at the moment. I’m not going to post a photograph to show what I really looked like as that would certainly be worse than whatever you’re imagining.)
I wrote earlier that I have been watching more television than usual. I have discovered that generally, daytime television is awful but often, unintentionally very funny. A programme called “Tenable” in which participants have to list ten connected things (Geddit?) had these gems:
1. US state which has a consonant as its second letter?
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Chicago
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2. An English county ending “…shire”
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Chestershire
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3. A woodwind instrument in an orchestra?
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Violin
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When he was told that a violin was not a woodwind instrument, the contestant disagreed. “Violins are made of wood,” he snarled, spluttering with indignation.
On Monday evening this week, I watched Mastermind for the first time in nearly 20 years and it turned out that I had chanced upon the Grand Final of the current season.
Mastermind has changed beyond recognition from how it was when I last saw it. I found it tedious. It wasn’t that I didn’t know many of the answers - I never did - but it was the length of time it took to ask the questions that I found so frustrating. This question, asked of the eventual winner, is typical of the problem I had with it:
“A famous landscape painting by John Constable of a horse-drawn cart in a river…”
At that point, it was obvious that the contestant knew the answer. I suspect, most of the audience wanted to shout out, “The Hay Wain” too. The contestant couldn’t answer because the question master went on for another 10 seconds spouting out completely unnecessary, absurd, pointless verbiage:
…..was exhibited at the Royal academy in 1821 under the title Landscape: Noon and was donated to London’s national Gallery 65 years later. It’s better known by what title?
While those superfluous words were being said, the end of time ‘beeps’ sounded and the contestant was denied the chance of another question.
Why those extraneous 29 words? Did the question setter think that the contestant might be thinking something like,
“Ah yes, horse and cart in a river, that’s Brighton Beach. No, hang on, it can’t be. He said it was donated to the National Gallery and Brighton Beach is in the V & A. So, it must be The Hay Wain. Thank goodness for that extra information. I needed it.”
The finalist who I wanted to win - only because she, alone of the six, looked like a normal person - didn’t and finished second. Some of her general knowledge questions exemplify the problem as I see it. In my opinion, the words in bold are completely unnecessary:
1 In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus promises that he will give the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven to one of his apostles. This apostle is now depicted in art as the guardian of the gates of heaven. Which apostle?
2 A female fallow deer or roe deer is known as a doe. What’s the word for a female red deer?
3 Which English artist and engraver created the pictures Gin Lane and Beer Street in the 1750s? It was part of a campaign to highlight the social problems caused by cheap spirits.
4 In which Caribbean country was the Tonton Macoute a paramilitary police force? It was active from 1959 and was formed to suppress opposition to President Francois Duvalier, known as Papa Doc.
5 The DWP was formed in 2001 by a merger of existing government departments and policy groups. The letters stand for The Department for Work and …..?
Those questions could be re-written and asked like this:
1 To which apostle did Jesus promise to give the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven?
2 What’s the word for a female red deer?
3 Which English artist and engraver created the pictures Gin Lane and Beer Street in the 1750s?
4 In which Caribbean country was the Tonton Macoute a paramilitary police force?
5 The letters D W P stand for The Department for Work and …..?
84 fewer words, more than 20 seconds saved and a snappier more enjoyable experience for everyone.
In 1995, the Mastermind Champion scored 41 points. The 2020 winner scored just 24.
Is this new format better? Why has it changed? That’s all I want to know - why?
